changed

i'm not writing about this like i'm the only person this happens to. i'm sure it happens to all moms, which is why moms lose themselves, which is why i started this blog in the first place, so i could rediscover who i am beneath the title "mother."

i would have never thought to describe my relationship with my baby as this, but i think all mothers become "obsessed" with their children. i don't mean like everything in my world revolves around him, or he is the main part of my day, or everything i do is based on his part in my life, or he's changed me or made me a different person, or that i find it hard to do things for myself because he comes first, before everything including myself, sometimes including my husband, including god. oh... that's exactly what i mean.

how can a mother find herself again when she is faced with such passion? how can her life ever mean anything else when her child becomes her very world? what i mean is, practically every decision i make is weighed first between how it will affect my child. most of the time it's really not a big deal. i love everything about being a mother and making a few sacrifices doesn't mean much to me. but then i don't think about how it has affected me. in small ways. like... i don't wear a million bracelets anymore because it's kind of inconvenient when you're trying to deal with a kid. and i haven't worn a dress in over a year because i can't breastfeed in one. and i don't draw anymore, because i'm afraid my toddler will grab my paper, and it's hard to keep an eye on him when i'm concentrating on a drawing. and i'm not going back to school yet because i'm pregnant and i have a hard time pumping milk and therefore can't store milk for a baby to drink while i'm at a class.

they change your life in a sneaky, unnoticeable way.

i said i wouldn't talk about my baby on this blog but half the reason i never write here is because that's almost impossible. it feels silly to not talk about the most important thing in my life. maybe i will talk about him... a little. is becoming a different person through motherhood, and staying that person, all that bad, anyway?