i have to still my heart

i have to still my heart.

five years ago i started to feel my heartbeat. in my chest, in my neck, in my hands, in my head, in my stomach. i would lie in bed at night, and my headboard would tap the wall to the rhythm of it, and then i realized that wasn't normal, so i went to a doctor and got all these tests done, and then the doctor told me there was nothing wrong with my heart and that i probably had an anxiety disorder, but he wasn't going to prescribe me any medication unless i wanted it, and that i should read some self-help books.

okay. i totally didn't.

then i got pregnant. i was sick and throwing up all the time and i just sort of had to go with it, because there was nothing i could do about it, and i was living day to day just waiting for river and not caring what i did or looked like, and i realized one day i hadn't felt my heart in a long time. i was a lot healthier when i was pregnant though, because i ate better food and took supplements and walked a lot, so either it was that i was calmed mentally or physically. either way, i was no longer anxious.

then river was born. i realized i'd never loved anything more and i started crying about everything sad i saw on tv, and i couldn't watch oprah or the news because these stories about dead soldiers and abandoned babies brought tears, because i know there's no greater pain in the world than the pain of losing someone you love dearly, and i love river dearly, and now i can feel my heart again because i think, what if i lose him someday?

i'm trying so hard to not think these things. before i got pregnant i worried and worried, i would have dreams about war and losing my little sisters and my mom having cancer and john falling out of love with me and i would wake up with my stomach in my throat and i would be gasping for air and then i would start crying in the middle of the night thinking WHAT IF THAT REALLY HAPPENS and it was the most awful feeling.

i was so happy to not be thinking these things anymore, but every once in a while i get these thoughts, they're like dominoes, and i find myself worrying more and more and i'm afraid i'm becoming anxious.

i have to still my heart again.