identity:mama

i think i've forgotten how to write. last night i stayed awake for a long time, writing in my head. the unfortunate thing is i can't always get those thoughts out onto paper. when i could write, that's when i was wrapped up in myself. then i fell in love, then i became a mother. both of those things demanded all of me because i no longer live just for myself. but i forget myself sometimes. not that i'm not selfish and mostly think of myself. but i mean - i forget what i really want to do [besides falling in love, becoming a mother - i'm talking simple things, you know?], who i really want to be.


i read that it takes a woman seven years after becoming a mother to find herself again. when i heard this, i agreed with it, figuring it must be true. then i started thinking maybe it was wrong to think like that. this is who i am.


but no, i get it. and i believe it. not that i get anything negative out of being a mother. at all. but it's just that i'm not living for myself anymore. and that's fine. it's perfect. if the above is true, though, it will take me about twenty years to regain my "self," whoever that is, assuming john and i have the five children we want over the course of fifteen years.


but it's different, you know? i haven't really talked to my best friend a whole lot during the past year, because i'm a mom, and she's not. like i said, it changes you. i wonder, sometimes, what life would be like if i'd chosen to live it differently - finish college, get married and have children in my mid to late twenties. and, i don't really read auto-biographies and art books anymore. i read about how to sew things, how to organized, how to eat healthy. and going to bookstores in the first place can be a hassle, because i've got to bundle up river, strap him in his carseat, and it's not like he's going to sit quietly in his stroller the whole time we're there. and i'm okay with all that. but i'm also okay with getting a little bit of it back. especially my best friend.


so, i'm creating this space, this little bit of virtual space, to rediscover my identity in the midst of motherhood. i don't even know if it's possible, because i'm pretty sure my identity is solely "river's mama." and like i said, that's perfect. motherhood does change you. for the better, i think, for most women. for normal women, if i may be so bold. i'm not trying so desperately to separate myself from the mother i am [frankly, i'm in love], but i am trying to remember who i was before. i'm still me. yes, the same me sitting outside a bookstore, smoking a camel light, rocking holey jeans, listening to my oh-so-uncommon indie music in my headphones.


do you know, that now, i do not own one single pair of holey jeans? see, that's what i'm talking about. that's what i've been trying to say this whole time. i need some jeans with holes. and i think something is going to have to be done about that. like ripping some holes in jeans. i think i will. and i may smoke a camel. in between breast feeding, of course.