lipstick

my hair is wet, and therefore, crazy. it's short [but much longer than when it was first cut], so it sticks up in every direction when i take a shower. it's grown out, i like to think of it as a patch of overgrown weeds at this point, and my part is sort of in the middle [not the side, it will not part on the side. nope. refuses. quite ornery.] and i have this bizarre cowlick on the left side of my head in the back, that seemed to appeared out of nowhere a couple years ago. i know it's just hair, but you know -- it's not just hair. i normally don't do anything with it, which is part of the reason i wanted dreads and part of the reason i cut it short. i am just much too lazy to do anything about it. but getting my hair cut made me feel good. i don't generally feel good or sexy or beautiful or stylish, it's just too much of a pain. 

shortly after i got my hair cut, i bought a cute little skirt, the kind that sits below your ribcage and poofs out mid-thigh, and i wore it one afternoon when i ran a couple errands, nothing special, but it really made me feel pretty. it was nice.

sometimes i wonder if i should start dressing nicer and grow my hair out long again and actually get it trimmed every two months like your supposed to and wear makeup and high-heels like i did when i was sixteen. man, i look at pictures of myself when i was sixteen, and i remember what a horrible self-image i had, and i think ... you didn't know 

i'm not going to sit here and complain that i have a horrible body, because i don't. after i had river i went shopping for clothes and was surprised to discover i had a size eleven ass. i'd never been bigger than a size five. but it really put into perspective size and clothing and women's bodies, and how in our culture, a size one and two and three and four and five are "acceptable," and really, i think that's sad. because only like, 10% of women are a size 3.