i don't try

it occurred to me tonight, as i was dramatically sobbing into the palms of my hands, that i'm not trying enough. i tell myself i am trying really hard, but i'm not. i'm not trying to be optimistic. i'm not trying to trust god. i'm not trying to pray every day. i'm not trying to have hope.

the truth is, i have had a lot of ups and downs the past few months, and especially during the last week. i'm not a depressed person, i swear. i just get really, really sad for a few minutes, and then 90% of the time i'm awesome. it's just that i dwell on things (and i don't try to not dwell on things, either, which doesn't help) and i get stressed out really, really easily and have annoying anxiety that i refuse to take drugs for, because you should always say no to drugs.

i let the things that life throws at me touch me personally and deeply. and instead of smiling through it and shrugging and knowing i'm not going to die from starvation and that probably means things are going to be okay, i complain about how much life sucks (when it only sucks a little bit) and i don't feel like doing anything else but complaining and crying, because i want everyone else to know how miserable i am so they can feel sorry for me.

the truth is this. we're broke. we don't have health insurance. john has been looking for a job for four months with no luck. we're behind in so many bills and the only reason our electricity hasn't been turned off is because we live in an apartment complex. yes, we're moving to a house, which is completely awesome, but we don't even know if we'll be able to pay our last month's rent. i've had a stupid UTI for over a week now and have not been to see a doctor because we can't afford it and now my back hurts and i'm worried i might be getting a kidney infection. our car keeps breaking down and each time we have to fix it it costs a couple hundred dollars, even when john does the work himself. for the past few months, we usually ate only one meal a day, and then whatever random food was in the fridge or pantry. now we're on food stamps, which is helpful, but i hate being on food stamps. i also hate that people give us money. i hate being a charity case. and what i hate more than anything -- that my husband can't find a steady job and that we don't have a reliable income and that that makes us fight.

anyway. that's what is bringing the most stress to my life, right now. i needed to get it out. it's extremely personal (i don't think many people even know this blog exists) and i hate complaining via social media (way more effective in person. ha, i kid.) i feel like i'm going to burst. i'm tired of worrying and i'm tired of crying and i know i complain too much, and need to seriously tone that down a bit. i am also way, way tired of living like this. i want things to get better, and people say they will, but i have absolutely no proof or promise of that whatsoever. it's been like this for months now and things aren't changing. but i'm done now. i promise. i won't breathe a single complaint about any of this anymore on this blog, because it won't do any good to complain about it. and besides, today is thanksgiving, and lord knows i have things to be thankful for.

i think.

kidding.