i don't know. you know?

i once watched a film about a woman who lived with her son in the woods in a tiny house with one room. they rode bikes and played in the creek and ate from their own garden and made their own clothes and lived simply and loved life.


i gotta do something, man. if i'm envying people who live in the woods with no plumbing, something's up. i have to go bake, or sew something together, or vacuum. chopping all my hair off should have been enough, but no. i feel trapped. you know what i mean?


i feel like i'm walking on egg shells through life. not that i wish to be frivolous or careless or ungrateful. but i feel like each decision i make is based on this giant thing called "adult life." and i really don't want to hear, well "welcome to married life!" or, "what did you expect?" or any shit like that. i'm serious. i'm not stupid. and i also know life doesn't have to be like walking on eggshells. it just doesn't. life is what you make it.


and that's what gets me. what am i making? lately, i feel like i've been having this epiphany. i have this one life. [isn't that a line from a movie? so dramatic.] one life, and one chance to live it how i want to live it. and for starters, i am sick of egg shells.


tonight, i bought a $5 pack of rags with which to wash dishes. and i stood there with them in my hand for like, ten minutes, wondering if i really wanted to buy them. because it's only five bucks, but then again ... it's five bucks. i went out for sushi with my friend judith the other night, and felt like i'd just bought a diamond necklace. no seriously, i felt so guilty. it's not like we're poor. i joke around about us being poor, but we're not; we're so rich. we are in, what, the top 36% of the world's richest? [i checked.]


but i feel like every decision i make is based on what another person wants, too. i mean, yes, hello, that's what marriage is. duh. but i never got to make decisions solely for myself. i missed out on that part. i don't want to be separated from that. i just want to feel... freer. and not free in the sense that i am in bondage and need to be released, or anything like that. but the kind of free where you dance and ride bikes and go on random trips and aren't afraid to jump when the opportunity arises.


i know this probably has to do with me and jesus. i feel close to him, but we don't talk much. but man, i'll be riding in my car, and then freakin' kim walker will play on my iPod, and it'll be just me and sweet jesus, rocking out, tears, snot, the works. i am so thankful to him, so in love with god. but i know i don't love him enough. i know i could love him so much more. i get this achy feeling in my chest when i sing the chris tomlin song, "you're more than enough for me," because i believe desperately that it is true. but maybe part of the ache is that i don't live it enough. maybe i need to remind myself that he is more than enough.


i don't think it's wrong to want certain things. as long as one doesn't make it an obsession, a jealousy. i just have to find a happy medium. and i have to first be satisfied in him.


it's not like i'm materialistic. sometimes i feel like getting rid of half our dishes. we have so much shit. we haven't bought much of anything since we got married, so i don't even know why i feel guilty about it. most of it was given to us, and most of the furniture john was given when he moved to minneapolis, before we even knew each other. sometimes, i get this idea that i'd like to move into an economy apartment, if only i could just get rid of all the junk. i don't really care how much or how little space we have, as long as it's pretty and organized. and the thing is, we don't even have that much. but i mean, we totally do. but we don't.... you know?!


so, i'm going to go to bed, and tomorrow when i wake up, everything will be the same. and that's the issue.