the only thing that matters

here are a few things that have happened the past couple weeks. they all relate, i promise:


1. i have been feeling really sorry for myself lately. i have been extremely envious of the people around me. while talking with friends, i find myself thinking, "well, i wish i could randomly buy a nicely-scented candle just because i want to," or "i wish i could pick myself up a latte from starbucks," or "i wish i could buy organic fruits and veggies for my kid," and so on and so forth. money has been ridiculously tight the past couple months, especially this month, and john has had a hard time finding a job. we would not have made it through without the grace of god. but i have had such a bad attitude about it. people have asked if we cut extra spending, and i'm thinking, "what extra spending?" we got rid of our netflix account and cut our cell phone bill in half and have considered getting rid of the internet [if it weren't for the fact that the money we do make is business that is done through the internet]. if you mean extra spending like, not buying apples this week because they're a dollar a pound, then yeah, we've cut "extra spending." [i would be happy if i didn't eat any more rice, beans, oatmeal, and potatoes for the next year.]


2. i just finished reading 'tis by frank mccourt. if mr. mccourt wrote 100 more books, i would read them. i find myself lost in his stories, his amazing stories of growing up in a slum in ireland and starting a new life in america and working his ass off for everything he has. his is a completely unglamorous cinderella story. he came from a life of poverty where his father drank away his money and his mother had to beg on the streets and three of his siblings died from illness and they had one bed for the entire family and it was covered in ticks and everyone on his street shared an outdoor lavatory which was the street, and he went and made himself a life that is full and warm and normal. and by normal, i mean [probably up until he wrote his book] he wasn't rich or terribly successful, but he was though, compared to the life he had as a child.


3. i complained. a lot.


4. i came across this blog and bawled my eyes out and was convinced in a matter of minutes that i need to go to ukraine and take a baby out of these horrible, tragic living conditions. wow. how heartbreaking. there are no words. please at least skim through it [but you'll probably want to read the whole thing.]


5. my reputation as a photographer was ruined. okay, maybe not ruined. but dang, a botched wedding shoot from nearly a year ago has come back to bite me in the butt, and as i am trying to sort things out, my blog has received negative attention from thousands of people. and wow, it hurts. it stings. i have cried a few times a lot. i feel like All of Internet hates me and i owe an apology to Everyone. it is not fun to be seen in such a negative light, and i have taken it very personally, whether or not that is how it should be taken. and i have dwelt on it all week. i would wake up in the middle of the night thinking about it. i have been in a terrible mood and have not been paying as much attention to river as i should, so then i felt like a bad mommy and i have been yelling at john and then i felt like a bad wife, and then i assumed if i am a bad photographer and a bad mommy and a bad wife i must just be a bad person and i told john i wished i could delete myself and start a new me and continue on with my life as new whitney while everyone is upset with old whitney. it was all very dramatic. i'm over it now. and i'm reading a lot more books to river and tickling him a lot to make up for being a bad mommy.


6. i complained some more. i complain about a lot of things. it's a serious fault of mine. ask my parents/husband/friends.


so, how these all connect is this. because of our serious lack of money, i have found myself so grateful for teeny tiny things i would normally take for granted. it's not something i've necessarily been trying to do, it's just happened. because now, i realize how much we had before and how i didn't even think about how nice it was to pick up starbucks, or buy candles, or feed river organic green beans. i didn't realize, in the midst of all my complaining about "not having enough money" when we were making 2.5 times as much as we are making now, how blessed we are. reading tis opened my eyes to how selfish i can be. i was talking to my mom a couple weeks ago and i asked her if she thought it was materialistic, and she said "no, i think you've done a good job transferring to a very comfortable life to one where you have a bit less than you're used to." but the thing is, i don't have that much less. 


i mean yeah, i can't pick up a latte, but neither can yulia, you know? and doesn't that sentence just sound... absolutely ridiculous? what makes my life so different that i think i deserve some extra cash to buy a latte now and then, when yulia is living a life in the confines of the four walls of a crib, day after day, not a moment outdoors, sitting in her own urine, without love, cuddles, kisses, human contact, someone to tell her she is a precious child and worth so much more than what she is getting in life? why is it that i'm sitting here fat and happy with a roof over my head and my beautiful son in my arms and a good book by my side and the cool air coming in from the window and a bowl of oatmeal [or rice, or beans, or potatoes] on my desk and my fingers typing away on this computer, and think that.... i don't have enough?


tonight john and i went to a church called river city christian fellowship, where the worship is intensely spirit-led and anointed. one of the most important lessons i've learned about worship is that god works in amazing ways when we listen and let him move in the way he wants to, and totally surrender to the spirit, whether this is by kneeling prostrate, dancing, raising hands, or being completely still and quiet. tonight when were surrounded by the worshiping of all these people, i was convicted to allow god to move through me. i haven't worshiped him in so long. i've prayed here and there. i've asked for a lot of things. i've told him he's pretty cool a couple times. but my communion with him has been way, way off. i needed time with him. i needed to feel him -- nothing compares to feeling him. nothing. not even the birth of my son brought the emotion that being in total surrender to the spirit does. it's unexplainable, miraculous, life-changing. he hits you like storm. like a "rushing wind"...


he told me tonight, the only thing that matters is him. he is the only thing that matters. he is the only thing worth my attention, my energy, my focus. he is the only one worth my praise. it doesn't matter what people think of me, i am his. it doesn't matter what else is going on, i should trust him. it doesn't matter that i can't see what's going to happen, he can. it doesn't matter what thoughts are bringing me angst and sleepless nights, he will bring me peace. it doesn't matter what makes me hurt or angry or frustrated, he will bring me joy. i should trust him because he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him. he brought to my attention tonight that even though he gave me the most beautiful gift of salvation, all i can give him is my heart. all i can give him in worship is my voice, my dancing, my open hands, my tears, my devotion, my trust, my spirit. all i can do is guide river the best i can and love and pray for people and be a peacemaker and right my wrongs, and that's okay. he doesn't want anything more. i will try my hardest to be who he wants me to be, and that's just what he wants. he's not asking me to be flawless, he's asking me to care. he's asking me to be in communion with him. he's asking me to be love. he is the only thing that matters, and when he is the only thing that matters to me, everything else will fall into place.


praise YHWH, who gives me breath.