my mom had a friend who was a single mom on food stamps and unemployment and went to school full-time on grants to become a nurse, and she worked so hard and everything turned out great and she and her daughter had a full life thanks to her dedication to making a full life. now that is a story [even in so few words].
i want to go back to school. but i don't even know where to start. what school should i attend? how can i get a grant? how do i transfer my credits? where do i retrieve all the information i need? i am so confused, and five minutes on three different websites has left me dicouraged and i want to go to sleep anyway, because it's nearly midnight.
i'm so afraid though. i didn't realize how scared i was until i started seriously looking into it. i am so nervous, i don't even want to make the first step. i'm always afraid i'm going to mess up. i'm always afraid i'm going to look like an idiot. i'm always afraid i'm going to be taken advantage of and seen as naive and gullible and stupid. i want people to take me seriously and i want people to respect me. i want to go back to school, i want a master's degree, and i want a better story for myself, for my family.
thinking about going back to school is exciting. it's like the first step toward something completely different. something that could be really amazing and life-changing, but huge and difficult and stressful, too. maybe i'm making it into too big of a deal, or maybe i'm underestimating myself. and i'm not just living on my own time anymore. river needs me, and i want to be there for him, entirely. it's just so scary to think that i will be planning my life around the next four years; scary to think that i really can't wait, that i have to do it now. kind of like i'm on this crazy-high diving board, and i can't go back, and i can't just stand there like an idiot either, because, well, that's just dumb, so i have to make this decision, and i just have to go for it.
it makes me nearly hyperventilate, just thinking about it.
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